I used to think that I was supposed to meet a guy "once upon a time in a faraway kingdom." News flash: I live in little suburbia and commute to school in raging downtown. I'm taking life day-by-day and meeting people as they come. College is different; it seems more real when compared to the world. High school was my fairytale because once upon a time, in high school, I did meet a boy in a faraway kingdom. Him and I rode his father's ATV out on the acres his father owned and shot our bows at haystacks.

Every fairytale has a "happily every after" and I always wondered what happened after the last page. How happy were they and did they really live happily ever after... together? Well I can tell you that both my prince and I are living two separate happily ever afters.

I wonder if that's allowed in a fairytale...?

I say one thing, but do another.

I'll tell you to leave, go, get gone, but I'll hold you tighter and tighter in my arms as each of those words pass my lips. I only do that because it would be a great idea for you to leave; it would be better for you. In my heart though, I don't meant any of those things, I actually mean the complete opposite.

I now stood facing the honey-colored wooden door that would answer the one question that had been pestering me since morning, "Would he be there?" I felt a swarm of butterflies fluttering around in my stomach and reaching every corner of my inside. My throat felt dry, a lot like the feeling you get after you've swallowed a dry pill, and I felt hot as all the blood in my body seemingly rushed into my face. I drew in a deep breath of cold air, stretched my arm out towards the doorknob and shaped my fingers around the smooth, silver, metal sphere. Right as I was about to turn the know, I felt the hard, cold knob turn under my hand and reflex made me quickly draw back my outstretched arm.

The honey-colored wooden door abruptly opened making a soft creaking sound. I noticed I was still staring at the ground when I saw his crisp, white, Adidas sneakers standing in the doorway. My heart started to race as I darted my eyes from his baggy, dark-washed jeans up to his navy blue, with gray accents, Reebok jacket. I saw his well-trimmed goatee sitting lightly on his chin, his pale pink lips, his tall nose, and I subconsciously saved the best feature for last. His soft, spring green eyes had a hint of honey-brown in them. They were welcoming and warm like a tame fire on a chilly night. His face was like that of a perfectly painted picture. I traced his well-defined jaw line with my eyes; they were somehow softened by his rosy cheeks. His brown eyebrows matched his brown hair and were perfectly shaped above his brow bone. I let my eyes wander back to meet his gaze. The expression on his face confused me, but I assumed that he was happily surprised by the sight of me. I couldn't help but wonder what my expression looked like; I hoped it portrayed an expression of extreme happiness and excitement.

I could feel my cheek muscles slowly pulling back to expose an extremely wide, sincere smile. There was a wide, earnest grin that quickly spread across his face as soon as he saw mine. I felt a surge of alleviation flow through my body, calming and soothing every tense muscle. I let out a huge sigh of relief as the concerns I had, faded away.

-Natalie

I picked out my clothes the night before with his opinion in mind. He wore navy; so did I. We sat with our group of mutual friends in the Courtyard Cafe outside of North Classroom, bathing in the sun with a nice breeze passing by every once in a while. Every time I caught his stare, he smiled at me and I blushed.

"What are you doing tonight?" He asked.

"Biology exam til 6, meeting with my professor for a letter of rec til 630, then I'm free."

"Mmm."

"Will you... be hungry by then?"

He smiled, "Yes, will you?"

"Mm... yes."

"It's a date."

Then he got up and left for his class.

During the exam, I started my period; I was wearing white pants.

I got up, pulled my shirt down far enough, turned in my test, and ran to the girl's room. I texted him: "Hey, I can't go tonight, I'm terribly sorry..." Then I called all of my friends. Everyone had already left campus; I was alone.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I... started my period... and.. I'm wearing white pants? I don't know what to do..."

"What do you need?"

"Tampons.. and a pair of black shorts."

"Give me 30 minutes."

He left his class, ditched his meeting, and headed to the nearest drugstore. 30 minutes later, I was wearing black shorts and holding and box of tampons.

"You okay?"

"Yah... thank you so much."

"You're welcome. As long as you're okay."

"Are you... hungry?"

"Yes."

"Dinner's on me."

We went to dinner... then out for ice cream and after he drove me back to my car. We sat in his car for an hour talking about what him and I should do because the thing is - he has a girlfriend.

We still have no idea what we're doing.

-Natalie

I'm scared. I'm scared you'll fall in love with someone else, someone better than me because I don't want you to, because you're as perfect as perfect gets. I don't want to move on with someone else because I know they'll never be like you, they'll never love me, touch me, kiss me, or know me like you do. I know I told you that when I found what I was looking for I'd come back to you, but what I should've known was that I had already found exactly what I was look for - in you. I should've seen it because you were right there, in front of my eyes with tears streaming down your face, choking on the words "Baby don't let me go."

I love you so much it hurts. It hurts even more to know that I made a choice to let you go. I know we both made mistakes, I probably more than you, but I want you to know that I'm different and that I know exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for you, I just couldn't see it at the time. Now I'm looking at you with tears streaming down my face, choking on the words "Baby don't let me go."

I love you.

Love me,
Natalie

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. "

Just to say goodnight and wish him sweet dreams, but instead we started talking about all the things we've been up to and I realized, that he's forgotten all about me. He's happy though and that's all that matters.

"And I'm afraid. I'm afraid I might never talk to you again. And I won't feel the same about anyone the way I feel when I'm with you. I'm afraid that you'll find someone else and feel different for some other girl. And I'll just be an old school memory." -vanityqts.xanga.com

"I'll always love you, I know you know that,
and I know in my heart, that you're not coming back." -vanityqts.xanga.com

go check out her site www.vanityqts.xanga.com she's amazing :)

-Natalie

If you know me, you know that I have more nightmares than I do dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat 8/10 nights around 3AM or 5AM, usually crying and panicking, breathing rapidly with my heart beating out of my chest. & the first thing I do when I wake up from a nightmare is pick up my phone and call the boy that I am "in-like" with at the moment. Well, I called a boy that I was "in-like" with last night or should I say, this morning at 5AM. I called him 4 times and he picked up 0 out of those 4 times.

I scrolled through my phonebook, looking for "reliable" people to call. "Reliable" people I called my "friends," but for some reason, none of who was in my phonebook appealed to me. So I hit the dial-pad button on my touch-phone and started to dial HIS number. I couldn't get it at first because I hadn't called him or talked to him in so long that I nearly forgot his number. But muscle-memory took over and started dialing the 10 digit number that would soon reunite him and I.

I waited patiently for him to pick up. I was half-expecting him to pick up and half-expecting him not to pick up. Either way, I wouldn't be disappointed. "Hello?" He answered in a hoarse voice. My heart skipped a beat. "Hey..." I replied. "Nightmare?" He presumed... "Yes..." I was surprised he knew why I called. Back when we were dating, he would pick up no matter what time I called him and he would always know from the odd timing, that I called him because I had just woken up from a nightmare.

"It wasn't real... it was just a dream" He said to me. "You're right, it was just a dream." I sighed. "Go back to sleep, you're fine... don't worry... you're fine. I'm here." He cooed to me as if I were a child and that's litterally how I felt - like a child. So I wished him sweet dreams, hung up, then closed my eyes and let sleep succumb me once again.

When I woke up later on that morning, I realized no matter how many fights him and I got into, no matter how much heartache we endured, no matter how long it was that we hadn't spoken... I still found comfort in his voice & that's when I knew. That's when I knew that no matter what happened between him and I, I would always love him. Maybe not like I once did, but I'll always love him in some way and I'll always care for him in some way.

& then later on in the day, my philosophy teacher asked me if I believed everything happened for a reason and I replied, "Of course." He then asked me to give him an example of when something happened because it was meant to be and I told my teacher about the time Alex and I came to be. Because in my heart and in his heart, we knew.. that we was always meant to be.

-Natalie